Blogging late this morning due to a late night gig. Tried to sleep in but Billie and Cheyenne (my loving, nutso, girlee dogs) wouldn't have it. They went to bed at a respectable time. To them, 7:30am seemed like a perfectly respectable time to rise. Steve saved me, getting up to let them out then feed them.

But then they came back.

Ah, well.

Feeling all kinds of weird today. Blew my voice out last night. Partly due to an inferior sound system. Partly because I now only perform (sing) once a month. The voice is a like muscle. If you don't work it regularly, you lose control. Although the audience was receptive last night, I know I didn't sound my best. Not even close. My vocal chords took a beating as did my confidence. Not. Fun.  On top of that, this morning my knees are killing me.  Due to my doctor's advice, last year I gave up the motivational and swing dance gigs.  He said I could sing on stage, but to limit my movements, staying away from things that 'twist' the knees. The problem with that is that I'm a performer, not a recording. I can't just stand there and sing with an occasional head and upper body bop. Well, I could, but that wouldn't be much fun for the audience... or me.

Last night I was feeling 50% but I gave 100%. Today I'm paying the price--physically and mentally. The thought keeps knocking in my head, I don't want to do this anymore. If I can't sing and dance at my very best, I don't want to subject the audience or myself to an inferior performance.  To sing at the top of my game, I need to perform at least three times a week every week. That's not going to happen. Atlantic City's desire for younger entertainers is still going strong. The alternative is to 'practice' at home daily. That's not going to happen either. I lack the motivation. I have limited free time and I'd rather use it to write. 

There it is, really.  At this point in my life, for many reasons, I'd rather write than perform. I only have the desire and stamina to do battle in one competative, fickle industry. I choose publishing over entertainment. (Although publishing is a form of entertainment--just off stage, so to speak) So why do I cling to this one last singing gig? Partly, because it pays well and for the most part the gig's a no-brainer. But mostly because it is my only singing gig and I can't imagine not ever performing live again. I can't imagine letting go of something that's been a part of my professional life since I was fourteen. But I know it's coming and that has me feeling all kinds of weird.

Tonight I'll watch the Oscars. I'll no doubt grumble about the actresses who obsess on being rail thin and pay for procedures that make them look unnaturally perfect and freakishly young. Another reminder of why I now prefer to pursue my creative endeavors 'off camera'. Tommorrow I'll immerse myself in my writing and get that same jazzed rush I used to get on stage. The weirdness will pass. Until next month's singing gig. Note to self: Let go and move on. 

I can feel your broken-hearted pain in this entry Beth. Isn't it hard to let go of dreams? But, let me say this, you've been able to maintain yourself as a performer thus far right? And you know what? That is more than others... so be thankful for that. And be wonderfully happy that you did find another outlet.

And don't forget, when you are promoting your book, find outlets to PEFORM. Speaking engagements and conference panels could do wonders for the performer in you. ;-)

And I say, let go and move on, ONLY when you are ready. You don't want to have any regrets.

Beth, it's very good to know what you want and what you don't want anymore. And I'm with you on enjoying off-stage performance. :)

It's rather hard when you come to the fork in the road, isn't it? It IS all about the entertainment. And tapping that keyboard will, no doubt, be a little easier on your knees. It'll be a slow process, but you can do it.
Grins*

Bethany, you're so right. I've made my living as a performer for thirty years. I've had a great run and I am thankful. I've lived one dream and now I'm living another. You're absolutely right. I should count my blessings.

As to transferring performance skills to writing endeavors, as it happens I'll be doing that at the RT Convention. I'm speaking on two workshop panels and co-hosting the Mr. Romance Pageant. I'm also involved in two other productions there to a smaller extent. So I'm not retired yet. LOL Thank you for your awesome words of encourgement!

Hi Charlene! Absolutely. Better to have some idea of what you want to do with your life rather than no inkling! I'm in transistion. :)

Crystal, yup, tapping the keyboard won't tax my knees at all. Doesn't help to keep my butt in shape, but that's another story. Thanks for the shout of support!!

Beth, I think all you had was a bad night, nothing more. I doubt that the end is near for you in your gigs. You're a strong-willed person and with a personality and energy that is WAY younger than your real age. Than again, what is age other than just a number?!

P.S.-Love that Oscar dress! Versace?! (Did I even spell that right? I only know that name from the SNL spoofs)

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's a big leap to leave something behind that's taken up so much of your life. (Especially when you're being forced out.) I actually think you're very smart. It's better to walk away when you're in top form, which you are, than to stick around. Take your time and make peace with it. Enjoy the gigs and then let them go. You have something far better to hold onto now. :)

Beth, you've had tremendous success as an entertainer, and while you have pulled back, I doubt if you're ready to give up. Everyone has bad nights. Everyone! It's great that you are well-rounded. Sometimes when people do only one thing (writing), they become stale, and lose sight of the real world. Your acting has probably led to improved dialogue and characterization, etc, in your books. And your writing has probably contributed to empathy for the characters you portray as an actress. Besides, there are many outlets if you don't want to do the same kind of entertaining--voice overs, advertsiements, community theatres--that would just LOVE to have someone with your talent! SO, I say keep doing both and don't get discouraged! You're in two very tough fields and you've succeeeded at both! Keep that in mind!

*(*(*(*(*Beth*)*)*)*)* Sweetie, I know last night must have been difficult for you. Ohhh, after a day of walking at the zoo, I know all about knees screaming in pain. I know it's hard to give up the singing gigs, but I'm so thrilled that you now have more time to write your funny, entertaining, tender great books!

{{{HUGS}}}on all the aches and pains!

Personally, I think you should do whatever makes you feel best. Whether that means keeping the singing gig or giving it up--whatever makes you happiest.

Ouch! Ouch physically and ouch emotionally. Your post made me want to cry. The only advice I can give (not that you asked for advice, but I have this uncontrollable need to dispense it) is to talk to yourself about this the way you'd talk to your best friend. Often we're harder on ourselves than we are to those we love and support, so try to dig deep and find some love and suport in yourself!
On the plus side- Clooney won which had to make you feel a little bit better, right?

Oh Beth, honey, you're making me cry! But I have nothing wise to add that hasn't been said already. It's okay to be sad. But re-read Jordan's reply regularly. Especially the bit about taking your time and making peace with it.

Oh, and don't make important decisions when you're tired and aching. :-)

Gee, I'm sort of embarrassed. I didn't realize just how 'sad sack' my post sounded. But I'm glad I was honest about my feelings because the feedback that all of you offered was exactly what I needed to hear. Each and every one of you offered a bit of insight that had me nodding my head. "You're right. You're right." You've given me much to think about, and I thank you. Oh, and Jen, yes, Clooney winning did make me feel better. LOL

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